I Was Just Thinkin’

So I’m covering the women’s NCAA  soccer championship game, from South Philly, for the Soccer News Net websites, and Florida State beats Virginia, 1-0.  I was tempted to write this, but I held back:

“After the game, in keeping the tradition of Florida State national championships, four soccer players were led off the field in handcuffs, to be charged with crimes that somehow went unreported during the season.”

Yeah, you Jimbo…..

The Brain Drain

Hey, did you hear the one about the missing brains in Texas?

About 100 brains went missing from a lab at the University of Texas-Austin.

100 brains? Texas?

Well, that’s 100 more than would have been missing from Florida State.

Anyway, all I could think of was the “Young Frankenstein” scene where Marty Feldman steals a brain for Dr. Frankenstein’s use. When asked what name was on the brain, he tells him, “Abby.” “Abby?” “Yes, Abby-Normal.”

I haven’t checked, but some of the brains may have been up for sale on e-bay as lamps.

Of course, that was just some stupid science lab. Nothing has been taken from the football offices because of the 24/7 security in place at ol’ Longhorn U.

And speaking of names on the brain, none of them belonged to a “Bush.”

 

The Playoff Is Here

Yeah, man, Alabama, Oregon, Florida State (no arrests until AFTER the big game) and Ohio State all set for the big playoffs.

DID YOU REALLY THINK TCU OR BAYLOR WOULD BE THERE?

It’s been fun to listen to the commentary about all of it, how it’s changed from week-to-week. (Remember those all-SEC plans?) If this hadn’t been put together by a committee, do you know who would have come out 1-2 in the polls and play for the national championship?

Of course, Alabama and Oregon. But somehow this makes it all fair.

Please Rog, Teach Us How to Play

Speaking of missing brains, have you caught the NFL commercials where players teach little kids how to play?

Another Roger the Dodger brainchild?

No helmets, because you won’t fall on your head, no equipment because that’s not real play.

NFLers teaching kids how to play: “You don’t need a lot of room to throw a punch, you can even do it in an elevator”…”Don’t worry, nobody knows what DUI stands for.”…Want a joint?”

Think of that, kids have to be taught how to play. Never knew that was something that didn’t come naturally.

But I guess not, if the NFL says so.

The Pope Is Coming, The Pope Is Coming

Somehow that doesn’t have the same ring that “The redcoats are coming” or, even better, “The Russians Are coming, The Russians Are Coming” has.

Yeah, the Pope, Francis I, is coming to Philadelphia in 2015 to join in the World Meeting of Families. Coming to my town without asking me, who was in the running for the Pope job before this guy from Argentina got it.

Send out the word, if the Pope wants to meet with me to go over some of the ideas I presented with my candidacy, specifically cutting back the Commandments from 10 to 4 1/2, just ask. His representative can meet with my rep … as soon as I find one.

This has been rumored to be happening, but it seems the outgoing governor of Pennsylvania knew about it for a while. He claims that on a visit to Rome, the Pope —  get this — whispered to him that he was coming to Philadelphia.

Pay attention: THE POPE LEANED OVER AND WHISPERED IN CORBETT’S EAR.

Did he say anything else? How far is Gettysburg from Philadelphia? When’s the skiing season start in the Poconos? Will that second casino in Philly be open by the time I get there?  And did he say it in Latin, Spanish, what?

To show what a dope Corbett is, he kept it to himself. If I had that info, and was running for a public office, I’d make sure every voter knew about it. What’s he think he gets extra Catholic points for keeping it to himself?

Apparently this has set off a panic in the local hotel industry, since the entire world will be following the Pope to Philadelphia next year. It’s not a problem for this Pope since he believes in keeping costs down, so he may just find a safe-smelling corner of a subway stop and put up there. With his Vatican entourage of several hundred.

Also, several college football coaches have volunteered their massive sideline security forces to guarantee the Pope’s safety from overzealous cheerleaders. “Let’s Go, Pope, let’s go, Pope.”

Anyway, Frank will be giving a lot of Thought to this subject over the next year.

A Lot of Other Stuff

**Tragically, the body of a missing Ohio State football player was found. Reportedly, he committed suicide. The kid, a walk-on, was suffering from concussions. Urban Meyer, the genius who coaches Ohio State, admitted he didn’t know the kid (understandable with a walk-on among 2,000 players). But what was he quoted as saying when asked about the kid: “All you can do is grab a knee and play hard.” Any idea what that moron is talking about. He must have been grabbing something else when he said that. Google this, Urban.

Oh yeah, the Pope wants a couple tickets for a game in Columbus next year. Can you take care of him, Urb? Maybe he’ll whisper in your ear.

**Saw where the King of Prussia Mall is expanding. This will include a “state-of-the-art” parking facility. Parking lot? Art? Who’s designing it? Andy Warhol? Picasso? Frank Lloyd Wright?

Let’s get this straight. For a parking lot, all you need is empty space, with some lines drawn on the ground, and some drawings of blue wheelchairs which get washed away by rain.

Or maybe they can make it sort of a tent city and provide some Woodstock-like facilities for all those millions following the Pope.

**Mike Nichols died last week. For me, it will always be Mike Nichols AND Elaine May, one of the great comedy teams ever. But whenever I saw them on TV in the late 1950s/early 1960s, I never understood one of their routines. What were they talking about?

Martin and Lewis, the three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, even Ben Stiller’s mother and father, I understood. But not Mike Nichols and Elaine May. But they were still great.

**Too bad about those shootings at a library on the Florida State campus last week. But the shooter must have been a football fan. What’s the one place on campus where a Florida State player is safest? A place where  he’d never be, of course, like a library.

GOO-GOO DOLLS

The English language as we know it will soon no longer exist.  Words will have no meaning, in fact, there will be no words, just telecommunications, via some thin, oblong object you carry in your hand.

Stuff that Gene Roddenberry made up for “Star Trek” is already here.

And it all ads to the loss of language.

So what got me on to this? The word “fun” maybe.

Something is fun, or more fun, or the most fun.  It’s NEVER “funner.”

Words are now invented as we go along, words which really have no meanng.

Take the word “google.”

In the old days, it was a word in a song describing Barney Google’s eyes. Now, of course, “google” has replaced the words dictionary and encyclopedia in the English language. You no longer seek information in an encyclopedia, you “google” for info. You don’t look up a word’s meaning or proper usage in a dictionary, you “google” it.

So last week I’m watching comcast and a reporter is conducting an interview with a college basketball player. You do your interview correctly, you look up info on the person you’re interviewing, find something interesting to make it more than “how you guys gonna do this year.”

So the reporter went to the only source of info available to him. Not the school’s media guide, or even speaking with the sports information office which puts together the media guides. No, he went to “Google.” Wonder why he didn’t use “Bing?”

So he said to the kid, “Did you ever google yourself?”

The correct answer would have been, yeah, don’t you? (I don’t really have to explain my meaning, do I?)

Then he said, “I googled you.” At which point the kid should have reached for a body part and backed away.

OK, I “google” things, too. even when I’m Thinking. And I guess I “bing” things sometimes, just to be different.

But I never say that I “googled” something, and never, ever that I “googled” some person.

Here, google this. Ain’t that funner than anything?

Next time, pay homage to a great man and say “I barneyed you,” just to see what the reaction might be.

LET’S EAT

It’s time to start doing restaurant reviews so ………

Brigantessa, just opened on East Passyunk Ave. in South Philly, the mecca of haute cuisine. (Wait, let me google that to see exactly what it means.)

Went with my sister and two OLD friends from the neighborhood. Left during the second quarter of the Eagles game. Got a lot of attention in the restaurant when I asked one of them to look up the Eagles score (I mean, google it.). When I saw 53-10, I blurted out, “Holy Shit.” That got me some attention, but, hey, it’s South Philly, so that’s how it is.

Anyway, Brigantessa…

Something like eating in a Spanish tapas. Take one or two items, before the main course, from different parts of the menu, then just pass them around the table. Among the things we had were small slices of swordfish, pizza balls (come on, don’t ask me to be too specific), olives, prosciutto, all great.

Then the main courses, again no complaints (except it took a long time getting to us). One of us ordered a pizza (not me), which Brigantessa seems to specialize in, for take out, too.

And then, most importantly, great desserts, cannolis, gelato, rum cake, bread pudding (of course I remember them better than I do the main courses).

Prices range from $8-$25, place needs more lighting (hate dark restaurants), but the newest of the Passyunk Ave. restaurants should make it.

FEED THE LITTLE FISHES

It was a weekend of international matches throughout the soccer world, and in Europe that meant qualifying games for the 2016 European Championship.

This involves 53 of the now 54 European soccer-playing nations (minus France which will host the Euros). So you have your Germany and Italy and Spain and England, and those countries which the British press loves to refer to as the “minnows,” your Faroe Islands, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Andorra (between Spain and France, not in Roxborough), San Marino, of course, and now, Gibraltar (nickname the Rockies, women’s team the Rockettes?).  Everywhere but Vatican City and Monaco.

WHAT A WEEKEND!!!

The Faroes won 1-0 at Greece, causing the Greek coach to take a “leave of absence”…..The Liechtensteiners won for the first time in10 years, 1-0 at Moldova (a country, not the name of one of Jerry’s girl friends on “Seinfeld”…..AND San Marino ended a 61-match losing streak, back to 2004, with a 0-0 draw in Milan (it’s close enough, there’s no room for a stadium in San Marino, which is built into the side of a mountain…I drove up it).

The Minnows are taking over Europe.